Sally Kable, Head of Program Delivery and Quality at Raise says that when Parenting teens you'll often feel like you’re getting it wrong. That’s normal, and you're probably doing everything right. It’s just a whole new world – for both of you.
Parenting teenagers can feel like walking unfamiliar terrain. The strategies that worked when your child was younger may suddenly seem ineffective, and it’s easy to wonder where you’re going wrong.
What we see across thousands of young people is teenagers want to feel understood, respected, and trusted, even when they are pushing boundaries or pulling away. Much of what parents find worrying is actually developmentally normal.
Pulling away doesn’t mean they don’t need you.
Testing boundaries doesn’t mean they don’t respect you.
Mood swings don’t mean you’ve lost connection forever.
Teenagers need two things – a secure base from which to explore, and a safe haven to return to. In the adolescent years this balance can become more visible and feel more challenging as a parent – even when we know to expect it.
Teenagers are doing the messy work of figuring out who they are. It’s noisy, uncomfortable, and rarely linear. They are wired to explore the world further from home. They want independence, privacy, and autonomy. At the same time, they still need to know that there is an adult who is consistent, wise, and kind - someone who can hold boundaries calmly and be emotionally available when they need it.
From mentoring, we see that teenagers don’t expect adults to be perfect. What builds trust is how adults respond when things go wrong. Teens notice tone more than words. They notice whether adults stay regulated, curious, and respectful, or reactive and dismissive.
What matters most isn’t getting it right every time - it’s staying present, repairing when things go wrong, and reminding your young person (through actions, not lectures) that they’re not alone.
Repair is one of the most powerful tools parents have. Apologising after a conflict doesn’t undermine authority. It strengthens trust and models accountability, teaching young people that everyone makes mistakes and mistakes don’t end relationships.
Staying present and maintaining connection in your relationship with your teenager doesn’t always look like deep conversations. Make opportunities to have frequent time together on your teen’s terms – being present and listening to the small things builds trust for teens to share the big things. Make gentle observations rather than asking lots of questions, choose curiosity over corrections and remind yourself that normal teenage behaviours aren’t a reflection of your parenting.
One of the hardest shifts for parents is learning when to step back – especially when it feels like it was just yesterday that these teenagers were tiny toddlers. A helpful question is: is this unsafe, or is it uncomfortable for me? Allowing teenagers to make manageable mistakes helps them build confidence and resilience.
You don’t need to be a perfect parent. You just need to keep showing up. Being present, predictable and willing to repair matters far more than the perfect response. Remember, this is the first time you’re parenting this teenager too.
If a teen you know needs another safe, independent adult in their corner, and is between the ages of 13 and 16, enquire about Raise Digital mentoring.
